philgorp
08-02-2004, 05:21 PM
http://www.winternet.com/~mikelr/assets/Sycophant.jpg (http://www.winternet.com/~mikelr/flame38.html)
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/imgs/nav/WWNlogo.gif (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/how_to/61515)
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR NEW JOB
- and never get fired again!
by; weekly world news writer
You can make the most of a new job and keep it for life, with tips from a leading expert.
And that's vitally important if you're one of millions of Americans who got the ax and have been toughing it out during this current recession.
"You really can make yourself fireproof," says famed corporate headhunter Robert Quatiere, of New York City.
"The secret is to make your bosses and supervisors happy, while at the same time making their jobs easier. And believe it or not, these are pretty simple propositions.
"Just don't forget that my tips are 'guerrilla tips.' That means you'll be playing hardball -- and you can't go around worrying what other people think. Your co-workers aren't going to like you very much.
"Of course, they aren't signing your paycheck."
All you have to do to make the most of a new job and keep it, says Quatiere, is:
* Suck up to the boss from Day One.
If he's stupid, tell him he's smart. If she's fat and ugly, tell her she's hot. If he's weak and ineffectual, tell him he's a powerhouse.
Don't worry about stretching the truth -- and don't be afraid to lie through your teeth. If you don't buddy-up to the big man -- or big lady -- somebody else will. And the next time the economy goes south, you'll be back on the street -- while the suckmeister continues to collect a fat paycheck.
* Sleep with bosses and supervisors often.
Dress in sexy clothes and wiggle your fanny to impress head honchos and lure them to bed -- or a private office -- every chance you get.
This goes for women and men, especially now that more and more gay bosses are coming out of the closet -- and more women than ever before are breaking through the glass ceiling and finding seats in the corporate boardroom.
These days, all lower-level employees are sexual fair game for fat cats, who are sure to reward you for "doing your job." If you're a prude, get over it. Either that, or get used to collecting a pink slip whenever the boss gets antsy about a blip on the profit chart.
* Flirt shamelessly with big kahunas who -- unlike the lusty hedonists mentioned above -- frown on full-blown sex out of wedlock, but aren't above enjoying a rich fantasy life.
If you don't know how to fire up a superior's imagination without taking your clothes off, there are plenty of manuals on the subject at bookstores and on the Internet. Or you can ask any executive secretary.
* Rat out fellow employees and establish yourself as a weasel from the get-go.
Big shots love weasels and you're wise to become one. You aren't going to win any popularity contests on the shop floor, but who cares?
When all the buddies you tattled on for altering time cards, pilfering office supplies and making long-distance phone calls on the company's dime are standing in the unemployment line, you'll still be spending Saturdays washing the boss' car, secure in the knowledge that he wouldn't let you touch it if your job weren't secure.
* Toot your own horn both loud and long to anybody who will listen.
Promote yourself and your abilities aggressively, even if you're just a common stooge or warehouse ne'er-do-well.
Identify humble, quiet, salt-of-the- earth employees who do good work and go the extra mile without making a fuss about it. Then make it a daily ritual to take credit for something they did.
If the new cleaning lady finds a lost check behind the water cooler, tell her you'd like to present it to the boss and praise her honesty and sharp eye. Once you get the big guy behind closed doors, the first words out of your mouth should be something like, "Hey, boss -- look what I found in the cleaning lady's purse."
He'll love you for it.
Published on: 07/19/2004
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/imgs/nav/WWNlogo.gif (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/how_to/61515)
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/imgs/nav/WWNlogo.gif (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/how_to/61515)
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR NEW JOB
- and never get fired again!
by; weekly world news writer
You can make the most of a new job and keep it for life, with tips from a leading expert.
And that's vitally important if you're one of millions of Americans who got the ax and have been toughing it out during this current recession.
"You really can make yourself fireproof," says famed corporate headhunter Robert Quatiere, of New York City.
"The secret is to make your bosses and supervisors happy, while at the same time making their jobs easier. And believe it or not, these are pretty simple propositions.
"Just don't forget that my tips are 'guerrilla tips.' That means you'll be playing hardball -- and you can't go around worrying what other people think. Your co-workers aren't going to like you very much.
"Of course, they aren't signing your paycheck."
All you have to do to make the most of a new job and keep it, says Quatiere, is:
* Suck up to the boss from Day One.
If he's stupid, tell him he's smart. If she's fat and ugly, tell her she's hot. If he's weak and ineffectual, tell him he's a powerhouse.
Don't worry about stretching the truth -- and don't be afraid to lie through your teeth. If you don't buddy-up to the big man -- or big lady -- somebody else will. And the next time the economy goes south, you'll be back on the street -- while the suckmeister continues to collect a fat paycheck.
* Sleep with bosses and supervisors often.
Dress in sexy clothes and wiggle your fanny to impress head honchos and lure them to bed -- or a private office -- every chance you get.
This goes for women and men, especially now that more and more gay bosses are coming out of the closet -- and more women than ever before are breaking through the glass ceiling and finding seats in the corporate boardroom.
These days, all lower-level employees are sexual fair game for fat cats, who are sure to reward you for "doing your job." If you're a prude, get over it. Either that, or get used to collecting a pink slip whenever the boss gets antsy about a blip on the profit chart.
* Flirt shamelessly with big kahunas who -- unlike the lusty hedonists mentioned above -- frown on full-blown sex out of wedlock, but aren't above enjoying a rich fantasy life.
If you don't know how to fire up a superior's imagination without taking your clothes off, there are plenty of manuals on the subject at bookstores and on the Internet. Or you can ask any executive secretary.
* Rat out fellow employees and establish yourself as a weasel from the get-go.
Big shots love weasels and you're wise to become one. You aren't going to win any popularity contests on the shop floor, but who cares?
When all the buddies you tattled on for altering time cards, pilfering office supplies and making long-distance phone calls on the company's dime are standing in the unemployment line, you'll still be spending Saturdays washing the boss' car, secure in the knowledge that he wouldn't let you touch it if your job weren't secure.
* Toot your own horn both loud and long to anybody who will listen.
Promote yourself and your abilities aggressively, even if you're just a common stooge or warehouse ne'er-do-well.
Identify humble, quiet, salt-of-the- earth employees who do good work and go the extra mile without making a fuss about it. Then make it a daily ritual to take credit for something they did.
If the new cleaning lady finds a lost check behind the water cooler, tell her you'd like to present it to the boss and praise her honesty and sharp eye. Once you get the big guy behind closed doors, the first words out of your mouth should be something like, "Hey, boss -- look what I found in the cleaning lady's purse."
He'll love you for it.
Published on: 07/19/2004
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/imgs/nav/WWNlogo.gif (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/how_to/61515)