How about some Jokes! [Archive] - P2P File Sharing Forum

vernarial

07-30-2003, 09:52 PM

Profound Modern Axioms
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños
-- you never know what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.
13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick
in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.
15) The more S*&T you put up with, the more S*&T you are going to get.

16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

22) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how
to work it!
23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one
with bite marks on the cap

vernarial

07-30-2003, 09:55 PM

Number One Idiot of 2002

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
Into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of
the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring
her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2002

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took
it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency
locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2002

A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote . . . " This is a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light
in the harbor . . . told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on
a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip, or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, " OK " and left. He was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America. Don't bother
With this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2002

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture . . . this time of
handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy
might be onto something worth thinking about ! )

Number Five Idiot of 2002

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said . . . " I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said
he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the
Scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the
police and gave the name and address of the
robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
later. This guy definitely needs a sign !

Number Six Idiot of 2002

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted . . . " Nobody move!" When his partner moved . . . the
startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably
figured it out himself.

Number Seven Idiot of 2002

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape ( The store window is
made of Lexan by GE). Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.

Number Eight Idiot of 2002

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. Sign please.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.

vernarial

07-30-2003, 09:57 PM

Men and Laundry...
One day my housework-challenged husband, decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Dallas Cowboys"
And they say blondes are dumb.

vernarial

07-30-2003, 10:05 PM

Home Remedies .

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the tooth ache.

Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are:

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I
apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to potty.

If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

vernarial

07-31-2003, 11:37 PM

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.”

vernarial

07-31-2003, 11:39 PM

Four men go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee, and the fourth goes to take a leak. The three men start talking about their sons. The first man says, “My son is a homebuilder. He’s so successful he built a house for his friend, free of charge.”

The second man says, “My son owns a big car dealership. He’s doing so well that he gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”

Not to be outdone, the third man brags, “My son’s a stockbroker. He gave a close buddy an entire portfolio.”

The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man says, “How’s your son doing these days?”

“Well, my son is gay, and he go-go dances in bars,” the guy replies.

There’s an awkward silence. “I’m not thrilled about his job,” the guy continues, “but he must be doing well. He’s got new a house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock portfolio.”

vernarial

08-02-2003, 01:44 AM

Male Commandments

1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.

2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, NEVER, no
matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it
appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

3. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you
didn't see nothin'.

4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

5. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one
empty urinal between you and another man. If this is
not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til
later.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by
50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within
earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When
trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration
rate rises to 400%).

7. Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.

8. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually
marry her.

9. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum
waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are
required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness
she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

10. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes,
the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat
on: golf, darts, poker.

Nilly_Chipples

08-31-2003, 08:24 PM

what do you call a cow w/ no legs?

ground beef:p

rastagard

08-31-2003, 08:37 PM

The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of rasta :D

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just f*ck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

kasami

09-22-2003, 01:18 AM

5 Kinds of Sex
1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

kasami

09-22-2003, 01:20 AM

Caught Fishing

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Carrie

09-22-2003, 02:15 AM

:clap: :rotfl:

FrYGuY

09-22-2003, 03:35 AM

Originally posted by lil_amb
what do you call a cow w/ no legs?

ground beef:p
What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean Beef :D

Big Chris

09-22-2003, 10:13 AM

There's another type of sex as well. Rodeo sex. Whilst entertaining a partner. Call them by an ex's name and see how long you can hang on:D:D:D

ajtip

09-22-2003, 11:19 AM

Bob and Tom listeners, forgive me for my plagiarism, but this makes me laugh everytime I hear it.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from the fly of his trousers. The bartender exclaims, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants!".
To which the pirate replies, "Aaarrgh! And it's drivin' me nuts!"

Big Chris

09-22-2003, 11:26 AM

Have been refraining from these as this is a top thread but, you started it.:D:D:D

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field..

And

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photo's and a sock takes 5 toes...

Lion7718

09-22-2003, 11:34 AM

Skin Transplant:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek .

Carrie

09-22-2003, 01:43 PM

OMG Lion thats funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rastagard

09-28-2003, 04:02 PM

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

rastagard

09-28-2003, 04:04 PM

…You spend three hours waiting for someone to respond to your post
…You get mad when someone else is the first to respond to a new thread
…You find your Word documents are full of ezcodes and smiles
…You spend the extra 50 bucks for a web enhanced cell phone
…You're always late for work/school because you were posting before breakfast
…You consider the day slow when someone posts once every 10 minutes
…Your homepage is the Chat Forum of a web board
…Natural light is your enemy
…You have prepared posts waiting for responses
…You order pizza online because you don't want to log off the internet
…You have sunburn from the monitor
…You start a thread and get bored when nobody responds and post to yourself
…You constantly edit your post so it stays at the top
…Flood Control is the second most visited page on your computer
…You have no shame
…You're wife/girlfriend has to post the dinner reservations on the forum so you'll remember
…You use your friend's screennames when you talk to them in person
…The keyboard is always warm to the touch
…All the letters on the keyboard are faded or missing
…You can recall the last five posts you had but can't remember your wife's/girlfriend's birthday
…You want a waterproof laptop for Christmas/birthday so you can post while in the shower
…You know how to spell every noise the human body can make
…Your screenname never leaves the Online box
…When you turn the monitor off you can still see the images burned into the screen
…Flood control is your mortal enemy
…You only have shortcuts for forums in your Favorites folder
…You fear power outages
…You own stock in Visine and Clear Eyes
…You bought an UPS power system for your laptop
…You consider it a "healthy" pasty white glow to your skin
…You have a window open for each forum
…You never need to push the refresh button on any of them
…You have 8,000 posts in 8 months

rastagard

09-28-2003, 04:08 PM

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.

2. How about never? Is never good for you?

3. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

4. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

5. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

6. Ahhh...I see the fu*k-up fairy has visited us again...

7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

10. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

11. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

12. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

13. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

14. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

15. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

16. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

17. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

19. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

23. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

24. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Thedirtysailor

09-29-2003, 09:07 PM

:p

A man walks into a tavern with a bag over his shoulder and
bellies up to the bar. " Gimme a double scotch neat" says
the man and puts his bag on the counter, opens it up and says
" What"ll you have Lazlo?"An octopus pokes his head out of the bag
and says," I'll have a crab juice, with a spritz." "That's amazing."
says the bartender. "I've never in my life seen a talking octopus."
"That's the least of his talents." says the man. "He can play any musical
instrument in the world.""oh come now" says the bartender" I'll go as far as
believing it can talk, but not playing musical instruments." With that
the man pulled out a harmonica and handed it to the octopus and says"Play,
Lazlo..a 1..and a 2.."The octopus plays like a fiend and afterwards the man says,"Well..."
"That was quite amazing and very melodious my friend, but you said he could play any musical
instrument in the world." says the bartender, and with that he pulled a violin from underneath the bar and
handed it to the octopus.The octopus grabs the violin and the man says"Play, Lazlo..a 1...and a 2...,"
The octopus plays so beautifully that it brings tears to peoples eyes, and when he finishes playing
he hands the violin back to the bartender." Well, I'll be jiggered" says the bartender. "I guess
he really can play any musical instrument in the world." "Och..,Hold on a minute." a man sitting at the other
end of the bar says and throws a set of bagpipes on the counter. "Let the wee beastie try that!" says the man
The octopus picks up the bagpipes and starts fumbling madly with them."No problem." says the man smugly.
"Play, Lazlo...a 1...and a 2..."The octopus turns and screams "SHUT THE HELL UP, AS SOON AS I GET
THIS BITC**S PYJAMAS OFF I'M GONNA F**K HER INTO NEXT TUESDAY!!!!!"

"Humore is an affirmation of man's dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him." -Romain Cary

rainbowdemon

10-14-2003, 10:08 AM

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".

You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

vernarial

11-03-2003, 12:34 AM

I hope this doesn't cross the line, but I thought it was hilarious.

During a long rain delay, a baseball color commentator decides to kill some time by sharing a little trivia with the play-by-play announcer.

“I’ll bet you don’t know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975,” the color man says.

“Everyone knows that,” says the announcer. “Hank Aaron.”

“How about who had the most RBI’s between 1955 and 1975?”

“Easy,” says the announcer. “Hank Aaron again.”

“OK, here’s a harder one. Know who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?”

“I’m not sure on that one, but I’m guessing Hank Aaron.”

“Nope,” says the color man. “Liberace.”

vernarial

11-03-2003, 12:35 AM

Q: How are breasts like martinis?

A: One’s not enough and three’s too many.

rastagard

11-05-2003, 05:45 PM

John and Mary, both elderly residents at a retirement home, began to get pretty friendly and enjoyed each other's company.

After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said: "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"

Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.

Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the lake and Mary would hold John's penis.

One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him.

She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at John: "We've been together for two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"

A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied: "Parkinson's."

Big Chris

11-10-2003, 12:24 PM

King Arthur was in Merlins lab where the good wizard was showing off his latest invention. It was a chastity belt but, it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good Merlin" exclaimed the King, "look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady the Queen?"

"Ah, sire. Just observe." said Merlin.

Upon saying this he selected his oldest most worn out wand that was to be discarded the next day and placed it in the gaping apeture of the belt whereupon a guillotine blade came down and cut the wand in half.

"My dear Merlin truly you are a genius" said the king amazed "my Queen will indeed be safe till my return."

After the device was fitted to the Queen King Arthur left to set about his quest. Upon returning to Camelot a number of years later he immediately called for all his knight's to line up in the courtyard for an informal short arm inspection. Sure enough every one of them was damaged or amputated in some way except for Sir Gallahad.

"Sir Gallahad" Said the King "my one true knight! Only you among the nobles has been true to me. How may I repay you? Whatever you wish, if it be in my powers to grant, it will be yours"

But, alas Sir Gallahad was speechless!

Big Chris

11-10-2003, 12:41 PM

A succesful rancher died and left the place to his devoted widow. She was a rather good looking woman and was determined to keep the place going but, knew little about ranching. So, she decided to place an advertisement for a hired hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was a drunk the other was gay. She thought long and hard on her decision and as no one else applied for the post she figured it would be safer to hire the gay man than have a drunk wandering loose on the place.

It seemd she had made the right choice as the man was a good worker and knew a great deal about ranching. After a few weeks of very hard work the lady told the man he deserved a rest and should go into town to kick up his heels and have a good time. To this he agreed readily and come the end of the day off he went off to town to have a great time.

However 1o'clock came and went, then 2 and the man eventually arrived back at the ranch at 2:30. Upon entering the room he noticed the owner waiting up for him with a glass of wine by the window then, she softly called him to her.

"Undo my blouse and take it off" she said trembling. "Now take off mt boots." he did as he was asked and set them aside. "Now the socks." This he did and placed them with the boots. "Now the skirt" she said gently, this he did constantly looking into her eyes for a reaction. "Now the bra." this he did hadns trembling, "and the panties" she said. By the light of the fire he did as was requested by the lady. She then looked at him and said

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again your fired":D:D:D

Dwergs

01-04-2004, 03:52 PM

I'll start....

This guy is flying down the road in his EB Z06; and he comes over the top
of a bridge, sure enough,on the other side there is sitting a cop with a
radar gun.

The cop pulls the guy over,walks up to the car and asks "What's the
hurry?"

The guy replies, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah", says the cop, "what do you do?"

The guy responds, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says "A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

The guy says,"Well, I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three,then four,then my whole hand,then I work until I can
get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6
foot wide"

The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?'

The guy replies, "You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge..."

Ekkekkekkek

Dwergs

01-04-2004, 03:58 PM

sorry but saying jokes reminded me of this lovely little (well not so little) poem....

XMAS IS CANCELLED

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.

Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

maggot

01-04-2004, 04:01 PM

I'm going to risk offending a few people with this one, but it's worth it...

Nope, it's not worth it. Joke deleted. *rasta*

edited by NitnayLion We dont rag on anyone

Dwergs

01-04-2004, 04:04 PM

where is over here - uk by any chance?

Dwergs

01-04-2004, 04:12 PM

hey i got another one!

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

maggot

01-04-2004, 04:33 PM

Edit: Sorry, no disclaimers. Ya follow the rules er ya don't play. It's that simple. I'm not gonna allow ya to slip in yer bigoted remarks under the pretense of a disclaimer. Keep those kinds of views to yerself. *rasta*

Dwergs

01-04-2004, 04:35 PM

Dwergs kindly requests that bigotry, racial/racist remarks not be posted in this thread.

on a lighter note here's an oldie:...

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On
their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

maggot

01-04-2004, 04:41 PM

ok dwergs, that was the last of that...

and now for something completely different...

two men, stumbling home from the pub, take a short cut across a field, when one falls down a deep hole.

"Are you okay!?! Have you broken anything?" shouts his mate.

"No, there's nothing down here to break!" came the reply.

Dwergs

01-04-2004, 04:43 PM

good to hear. :)

Lion7718

01-04-2004, 04:59 PM

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She
spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home
she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to
the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
"How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies.

"Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind
of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of
this
she says,
"Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says,
"Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you
possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Dwergs

01-04-2004, 05:01 PM

ah didn't see this thread, guess mine got moofed here then. okie dokie. :)

I was gettin to lettin ya know about this. hehe. We had this thread started and I thought it best to merge them. *rasta*

maggot

01-04-2004, 05:16 PM

a bear and a rabbit takin a dump in the woods...the bear says to the rabbit " does shit stick to your fur?"

"no" says the rabbit

so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit!

Nilly_Chipples

01-04-2004, 06:59 PM

pretty good ones everyone :)

Dwergs

01-05-2004, 05:31 AM

Good things About being A Man;

* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
* Same work... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, all the time.

Dwergs

01-05-2004, 05:47 AM

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'

c0lin

01-05-2004, 06:11 AM

LMFAO :laugh:

Dwergs

01-05-2004, 04:31 PM

I aim to please :D

vernarial

09-06-2004, 03:35 PM

One day, a little boy was pulling his wagon past a church. While the preacher was standing outside, one of the wheels fell off the wagon. “God damn!” shouted the boy. The preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheel back on the wagon and went home.

The next day, the little boy went past the church with the preacher outside. Two wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheels on again and goes home.

The next day, the little boy went past the church, again with the preacher outside. Three wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put all three wheels back on his wagon and goes home.

On the fourth day, the little boy passed the church. The preacher was standing outside and all four wheels fell off the wagon. The boy looked at the wagon and said, “God bless.” Suddenly, all four wheels jumped back on the wagon and the preacher said, “GOD DAMN!”

Carrie

09-07-2004, 12:21 AM

Larry's barn burned down. His wife,Susan, called the insurance company and said they wanted the insurance money right now. The agent replied, "Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

vernarial

09-08-2004, 08:54 AM

Know-It-All
One morning an exchange student from Japan joins a high school.

After introducing Suzuki to the class, the teacher says, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me liberty, or give me death’?” Only Suzuki raises his hand.

“Yes, Suzuki?” asks the teacher.

“Patrick Henry, 1775,” he answers.

“Class, you should be ashamed,” snaps the teacher. “Suzuki is new to our country and knows more about it than you do.”

“Screw the Japs,” whispers a student.

“Who said that?” snaps the teacher.

Suzuki raises his hand, eyes the room, and says, “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

A student in the back quips, “I think I’m gonna puke.”

“Who said that?” yells the teacher.

“George Bush, 1991,” Suzuki yelps.

“Oh, yeah? Suck this!” shouts a frustrated student.

Suzuki stands up and declares, “Bill Clinton, 1997!”

Another student screams, “You little shit. If you say one more word, I swear I’ll kill you!”

Suzuki jumps on the chair and yells, “Gary Condit, 2001!”

vernarial

09-09-2004, 11:47 AM

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”

“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

vernarial

09-10-2004, 10:04 PM

On the first day of college, the Dean gave a speech about on-campus rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time, $60 the second time, and $180 the third time. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd raised his hand, “How much for a season pass?”

vernarial

09-14-2004, 09:59 AM

Osama bin Laden, feeling sickly and concerned about his mortality, consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer.

“You will die on an American holiday.”

“Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously.

“Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”

Project-Buckfast

09-14-2004, 10:28 AM

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Nilly_Chipples

09-14-2004, 12:56 PM

LMFAO!

Originally posted by Feenies-Wife
Larry's barn burned down. His wife,Susan, called the insurance company and said they wanted the insurance money right now. The agent replied, "Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

sepia

10-11-2004, 03:44 PM

Dear John...

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan receives a letter from his girlfriend back home. It reads as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to both of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asks his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, haunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky includes all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope ...along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

sepia

10-11-2004, 03:47 PM

When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa
*******************************************
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're well on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
****************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
*****************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
****************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
*************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE,
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

NitnayLion

10-12-2004, 11:04 AM

Red Neck Palm Pilot

Carrie

10-12-2004, 01:53 PM

Hey, I have one of those! Had it for years! You wouldn't believe the things that it can do:smoker:

Lord_of_the_Dense

02-11-2005, 11:28 PM

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

'You were speeding,' the cop said. 'I'm going to have to give you a ticket.'

'Yep,' the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

'These flies are terrible,' the trooper complained.

'Yep,' the farmer said. 'Those are circle flies.'

'What's a circle fly?' asked the trooper.

'Them flies that circle a horse's ass,' answered the farmer. 'Them are circle flies.'

'You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?' The trooper angrily asked.

'Nope, I didn't,' the farmer replied. 'But you just can't fool them flies.

Lord_of_the_Dense

02-11-2005, 11:45 PM

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a "big-everything-under-the-roof-department-store" looking for a job.

The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!!, Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook, Then I sold him a medium fish hook, Then I sold him a larger fish hook, Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!!!"

Project-Buckfast

02-12-2005, 05:48 AM

:rofl: Nice one LoTd

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went
flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to his
story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down
so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100
enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Project-Buckfast

02-12-2005, 05:49 AM

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming
Toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the
newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl
walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a
hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I
was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I
dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went
to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked
fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing.
I was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Lord_of_the_Dense

02-13-2005, 09:02 PM

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event
in the world, and not use it?"

The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married ."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take
the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Project-Buckfast

02-15-2005, 02:37 PM

:rofl:

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. When he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th."If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why You were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back"

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

kittykat

02-17-2005, 09:01 AM

LMAO!!!!!!

PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS!

There was this Hillbilly from Tennessee who had a flat tire.
He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put Flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.â€?

Project-Buckfast

02-20-2005, 08:39 AM

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do
you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back

to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying

to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a
free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you
perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save

up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a

year they send us a complete dick."

Project-Buckfast

02-23-2005, 03:37 PM

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at
them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple
who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a
table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There
was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a
sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to
get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor
old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came
over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal
for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.
Theywere used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no,
they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came
over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely
refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. "
What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The Teeth"

Big Chris

02-25-2005, 04:58 PM

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - -

HUSBAND: "F**k"

taddzilla

03-16-2005, 01:51 PM

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

Carrie

03-16-2005, 05:33 PM

:clap: :rofl:

ObiWanKenobi

03-18-2005, 01:46 AM

Originally posted by kittykat
LMAO!!!!!!

PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS!

There was this Hillbilly from Tennessee who had a flat tire.
He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put Flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.â€? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Lord_of_the_Dense

03-18-2005, 07:07 PM

THE BLACK BOX

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of Nebraska, Ohio, Iowa, Minnesota, Kansas, Texas and South Dakota were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Lord_of_the_Dense

03-19-2005, 10:47 AM

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and
is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Lord_of_the_Dense

03-19-2005, 10:48 AM

2004 Blonde's Year In Review...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the
box said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capitol of California was answered "C"

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.

9. Baked a turkey for several days because the instructions said 1 hour
per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said
"good up to 20 pounds".

14. What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? - - A blonde at a
flashing red light.

15. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when
one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down.

Project-Buckfast

04-06-2005, 12:23 PM

Dear Alcohol

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a roll kebab with chilli sauce, along with two big slices of pizza and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a chilli hot dog)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Project-Buckfast

04-06-2005, 12:24 PM

Friends reunited

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich
that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to
flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in
the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two
weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a
brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends."

taddzilla

04-07-2005, 06:35 AM

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell ! you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."

Big Chris

04-07-2005, 09:47 AM

Two tourists are travelling through North Wales when the come to LLANFAIRPWLLGYNGYLLOGOGRCHWYNNDROPWILLYANSILILIOGO GOGOCH
They stop for lunch and ask the waitress - can you tell us where we are slowly ? - as they had a bet between themselves
[scroll down )

Wait for it

BURRRRRRRGERRRRR........................KIINNNGGGG G

Carrie

04-13-2005, 05:11 PM

LMFAO!

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Carrie

04-13-2005, 05:12 PM

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Project-Buckfast

06-23-2005, 11:28 AM

~BUMP

Lord_of_the_Dense

10-22-2005, 05:23 PM

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he
hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.
Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen!
Fourteen!"

Barnstable

12-29-2005, 03:04 PM

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
.................................................. ..............
Thought for the day: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
.................................................. ................................
Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"
.................................................. ..................
One freshly released sperm to another " God I'm knackered, how far is it to the fallopian tubes?"

" A very long way, we've only just passed the tonsils!"

pegasus

02-03-2006, 12:19 AM

Q: WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius

Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
A: They don't have enough time

Q: WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
A: They don't stop for directions

Q: WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in

Q: WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
A: They're intended for children but men usually end up playing with them

Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock

Q: WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy

Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
A: Nobody knows, since it has never happened

Q: ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
A: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Those are my rules

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted." And, I don't expect any hassle from you.
Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.
Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Glasses

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

pegasus

02-03-2006, 12:23 AM

A divorce

A man and his wife in court were getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up an said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."
The Judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for while contemplating, then slowly rose. "Your Honor! If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it. the machine's or mine?"

Terrible curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Getting to know you

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married.
They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the ten-meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

pegasus

02-03-2006, 12:25 AM

Good eating

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

Bad marriage?

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

Last respect

Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead."
"I ought to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!"

pegasus

02-03-2006, 12:29 AM

The Workaholic

A workaholic finally decided to take a long overdue vacation. He booked a Caribbean cruise and was having the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself swept onto a desert island. Six lonely months later, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
"Where did you come from?" he asks.
"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my ship sank" she says.
"Amazing". "You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you".
"Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But that's impossible," stutters the man, "You had no tools. How did you manage?"
"Oh, no problem", replies the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools." The guy is stunned.
"Lets row over to my place." She says. She docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.
"It's not much but I call it home," she says. "Would you like another drink?"
"No thank you," he says still dazed. "Can't take any more of that coconut juice"
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have my own still. How about a Pina Colada while I slip into something more comfortable." She returns wearing nothing but vines and a strategically placed shell necklace.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here a long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months," her hands sliding over his legs.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck! "You mean." he gasps, "I can actually check my e-mail from here?"

Working mom

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us

pegasus

02-08-2006, 02:12 AM

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

pegasus

02-08-2006, 02:19 AM

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means, "Get up and get it yourself".

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

pegasus

02-11-2006, 02:14 AM

Dictionary of employment want ADS terminology:
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

pegasus

02-11-2006, 02:19 AM

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments:
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude