1,000,000 post thread

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Ok, time for me to take a break!

:wetdream: :hurt: :clap1: :kittydanc :utcrocks:

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The female name Vanessa is Greek for "butterfly."

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Surprisingly in 1969, basketball legend Jerry West was named NBA Most Valuable Player of the finals despite losing.

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New York was the first state to require the licensing of motor vehicles. The law was adopted in 1901.

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Consumers spend more than $7 billion a year on chocolate.

This one is for you Kittykat!

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In 1418, women's headgear was so tall that the doorways of the royal castle of Vincennes, France had to be raised, on the orders of the queen, to allow the ladies of the court to pass through without ducking.

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The Food and Drug Administration advises pregnant women to avoid soft cheeses, including queso blanco, feta, Brie, Camembert, and blue-veined cheeses, such as Roquefort. Certain soft cheeses can carry the bacterium Listeria, which poses a risk to an unborn child.

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Just like people, mother chimpanzees often develop lifelong relationships with their offspring.

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Ketchup was sold in the United States as a patent medicine in the early nineteenth century — Dr. Miles' Compound Extract of Tomato.

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Robert Browning used chianti to wean and cure his wife, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, from her addiction to laudanum.

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Half the foods eaten throughout the world today were developed by farmers in the Andes Mountains. Potatoes, maize, squash, beans, peanuts, pineapples, chocolate, tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, and many others were first grown in the region.

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Several of the Bond girls — namely Ursula Andress, Shirley Eaton, Eunice Gayson, and Claudine Auger — were unable to match an alluring voice to their sexy physical attributes. For each of them, their lines were dubbed by aspirant actress Nikki van der Zyl, who later left the film industry to practice as a barrister. On Doctor No, van der Zyl did every female voice except Miss Moneypenny and a Chinese girl, and she also dubbed Raquel Welch's grunting in One Million Years B.C.

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During the nineteenth century, Michigan was a key stop on the Underground Railroad, and many runaway slaves decided to make their homes there. Currently, 14 percent of Michigan's population is African American.

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Since white tigers have pigmented stripes and blue eyes, they are not albinos.

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The energy released by a hurricane each day would, if converted to electricity, keep the entire United States supplied with electrical power for up to three years.

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Baby rattlesnakes are born without rattles.

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Karl Marx was targeted for assassination when he met with two Prussian officers in his house in Cologne in 1848. Marx had friends among the German labor unions, and he was considered a threat to the autocrats. Dressed in his bathrobe, he forced the officers out at the point of a revolver, which, it turned out, was not loaded.

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Casey Stengel didn't retire from managing the New York Giants until he was 75 years old.

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If you walked the entire length of the China's Great Wall, you would be walking farther than the distance between New York City and Miami, Florida. The wall stretches for over 1,500 miles. The driving distance between New York and Miami is just over 1,250 miles – provided you don't get lost.

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The standard escalator moves 120 feet per minute.

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We think we cannot see at night. But given enough time to adjust, the human eye can, for a time, see almost as well as an owl's. Ultimately, as the amount of light decreases, an owl detects shapes after a human no longer can.

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In October 1994, Jeff Bezos wanted to name his new Web venture "Cadabra" -- as in "abracadabra." But his attorney convinced him that this magical moniker sounder a bit too much like "cadaver." Reluctantly, Bezos went with his second choice: Amazon.com.

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In Medieval England, Nicholas was just another saint — he had not yet been referred to as Santa Claus and had nothing to do with Christmas.

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Cats have amazing hearing ability. A cat's ear has 30 muscles that control the outer ear (by comparison, human ears only have six muscles). These muscles rotate 180 degrees, so the cat can hear in all directions without moving its head.

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Charles Lindbergh was not the first man to fly the Atlantic. He was the sixty-seventh. The first sixty-six made the crossing in dirigibles and twin-engine mail planes. Lindbergh was the first to make the dangerous flight alone.

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The only member of the R&B group ZZ Top that did not have a beard, was named Frank, and yep, you guessed it...... Frank Beard.

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This abbreviation started with the Greeks. "X" is the first letter in the Greek word for Christ: Xristos. So saying or writing "Xmas" is the same as "C-mas."

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The grizzly bear is capable of running as fast as the average horse.

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Not all Broadway musicals have had happy premises or happy endings. Popular stage musicals over the years which featured death or murder include: Carmen Jones (1943), Carousel (1945), Evita (1979), Irma La Douce (1958), Lost in the Stars (1949), Man of La Mancha (1965), Oklahoma! (1943), Oliver! (1960), Perchance to Dream (1945), Porgy and Bess (1935), Redhead (1959), Rose-Marie (1924), Sunset Boulevard (1994), Sweeney Todd (1979), The Ballad of Dr. Crippen (1961), The King and I (1951), and West Side Story (1957).

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Andrew Jackson’s tombstone does not mention that he served as the president of the United States.

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Security patrols at Ford City Mall in Chicago at times report a "Code Brown." That means there's a mess — literally. This is to be expected at shopping malls across the United States as more turn to mounted horse patrols to increase parking lot security. Ford City Mall management and other U.S. malls say using horses has been good for public relations, as well as decreasing car thefts and parking lot assaults.

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The bards of the Irish royal houses composed countless songs which subsequently became part of the repertoire of the medieval troubadours. By these means, Celtic poetry dating back to the 8th century has survived.

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Author Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973) once commented, "Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns how to be amused rather than shocked."

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At one "sitting," a mosquito can absorb one and a half times its own weight in blood.

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The full name of Rhea Perlman's award-winning character on TV's Cheers was "Carla Maria Victoria Angelina Teresa Apollonia Lozupone Tortelli LeBec."

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The human body consists of about 60 trillion cells, and each cell has about 10,000 times as many molecules as the Milky Way has stars.

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Model-turned-actress Andie MacDowell's real name is Rose Anderson MacDowell.

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Jacqueline Kennedy's pillbox hat, made famous at her husband's inauguration in 1961, was designed by Halston.

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Electricity in French Polynesia is primarily generated from imported fuels. A hydroelectric power station was opened in Tahiti in 1981.

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The play The Clouds (423 B.C.) by Aristophanes is a comedy, the butt of which is tragedy writer Sophocles, whom the playwright mocks.

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The phrase "guinea pig" originated when a tax was imposed on powder for Whigs in England to help pay for the war with Napoleon. The list of those who had paid the guinea (one pound, one shilling) was posted on their parish church door. As they were the wealthy of the day, they became known as the guinea pigs.

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To prevent some numbers from occurring more frequently than others, dice used in crap games in Las Vegas are manufactured to a tolerance of 0.0002 inches, less than 1/17 the thickness of a human hair.

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When used by an ornithologist, the word "lore" refers to the space between a bird's eye and its bill.

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The Mona Lisa measures less than 2 feet by 2 feet.

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In the U.S., prime-time Westerns on TV reached their peak in 1958-1959, when there were 31 shows on the air. The public's taste shifted, and by 1964-1965, the number of TV Westerns had plummeted to 7. Westerns have never enjoyed such popularity on U.S. television since.

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Of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, all named after artists and / or sculptors, Donatello does not occur in the same time period as Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael.

[That's why he's the best! Woot]

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The robbery phrase “Hands Up” originated in British Columbia. Bill Miner, an American known as the Gentleman Bandit, is said to have first used the phrase while robbing a Canadian Pacific Railways train in Mission Junction, British Columbia in 1904.

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The shallow champagne glass originated with Marie Antoinette, from wax molds made of her breasts.

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The American Academy of Ophthalmology reported that about 30,000 children are treated for sports-related eye injuries in U.S. emergency rooms every year. Ninety percent of those injuries are preventable by wearing safety goggles. Baseball and basketball are the two most hazardous sports for the eye. The primary eye danger in basketball isn't the ball — it's the opponent.

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Soils require centuries, or even millennia, to form. According to the United States Soil Conservation Service, most topsoils cannot regenerate at rates of more than 5 tons per acre per year.

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The daughters of a mother who is colorblind and a father who has normal vision will have normal vision. The sons will be colorblind, however.

I can vouche for this one

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The most intense hurricane to hit the Caribbean was Hurricane Gilbert in 1988. Wind gusts were measured at over 200 miles per hour.

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Elephants are covered with hair. Although it is not apparent from a distance, at close range, one can discern a thin coat of light hairs covering practically every part of an elephant's body.

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In ancient Rome, it was considered a sin to eat the flesh of a woodpecker.

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A bird sees everything at once in total focus. Whereas the human eye is globular and must adjust to varying distances, the bird's eye is flat and can take in everything at once in a single glance.

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During World War II, the U.S. Navy's world champion chess player, Reuben Fine, calculated, on the basis of positional probability, where enemy submarines might surface.

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Most of the 76-square-mile Catalina Island is a park, forever barred from development. In 1975, the Wrigley family transferred 85 percent of the island to the Santa Catalina Island Conservancy, a nonprofit foundation dedicated to preserving and protecting the open spaces, wild lands and nature preserves. That means that what's wild in Catalina today will remain wild. Avalon, the main settlement, has little room for expansion, so what's currently built is what will remain built.

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The bouillon cube was once a common snack food in early America. Beef or veal stock was boiled down until it reached a hard jelly texture. The hard cakes didn't spoil, and trappers and hunters nibbled on them when tramping along on long journeys during the 1700s.

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According to experts, squirrels don't like to head straight for anything. For safety, they may run past and sweep around from the side.

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In New Mexico, it is against the law to ship horned toads out of the state.

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In an interview on February 2, 1967, former President Lyndon B. Johnson made this caustic observation: "The CIA is made up of boys whose families sent them to Princeton, but wouldn’t let them into the family brokerage business."

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Rattlesnakes gather in groups to sleep through the winter. Sometimes up to 1,000 of them will coil up together to keep warm.

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The first lightweight luggage designed for air travel was conceived by aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart.

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Before a wrist injury changed her career plans, Marlene Dietrich had wanted to become a professional concert violinist.

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The first log cabins in North America were built in 1683 by Swedish immigrants in Delaware.

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In March 2000 during the pre-ceremony Academy Award interviews, Tom Cruise confessed that he had never watched an Oscar telecast until long after he was an adult and was pursuing an acting career.

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Camel milk is the only milk that doesn't curdle when boiled.

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Actor Yaphet Kotto, co-star Lt. Al "Gee" Giardello on TV's acclaimed Homicide: Life on the Street, has an unusual background. He was raised a Jew and attended Roman Catholic schools. He is also of royalty: his father is a Cameroonian crown prince. In a scenario of life imitating art, Kotto's oldest son, Fred, works in San José, California as a police officer.

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Seven-foot-two Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was born just a bit longer than the average newborn at 22½ inches, but he weighed a hefty 12 pounds, 11 ounces. His name at birth was Lewis Alcindor.

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In olden days, barbers also performed as surgeons. Blood-letting, a remedy of the time believed to cure diseases, was one of their main tasks. The red-and-white striped barber pole originally symbolized a bleeding arm swathed in bandages.

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The Japanese adore beef, but cannot get enough because the country is too small for large-scale cattle raising. An exception are the cows of Kobe, who live the good life: they drink beer, are massaged three times a day to keep their meat tender, and are sung to, making them feel serene. Kobe beef is world-famous for its flavor, although chances of finding any outside Japan are almost nil. A few restaurants in the United States import the rare commodity, charging more than one hundred dollars for a 16-ounce, one-inch-thick steak.

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Hummingbirds cannot glide or soar as other bird do. They are the only bird that can hover continuously.

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The air is so polluted in Cubato, Brazil, no birds or insects remain, most trees are blackened stumps, and its mayor reportedly refuses to live there.

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Gray whales migrate 12,000 miles each year, farther than any other mammal.

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An anteater is nearly 6 feet long, yet its mouth is only an inch wide.

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Elwood Edwards' voice is heard more than 27 million times a day (which comes to more than 18,000 times per minute). Edwards is the man behind those special 3 words (not "I love you") "You've got mail!".

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The body’s daily requirement of vitamins and minerals is less than a thimbleful.

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James Harriot's best-selling novel "All Things Bright and Beautiful" was originally titled "It Shouldn’t Happen to a Vet."

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At Christmas, Ukrainians prepare a traditional twelve-course meal. A family’s youngest child watches through the window for the evening star to appear, a signal that the feast can begin.

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Auto racer Dan Gurney was one of the first U.S. drivers to use rear-engine race cars. He won the Le Mans race (1967), and finished second in the Indianapolis 500 twice (1968 and 1969).

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The Romans were enamored with the smell of roses. According to historians, Nero had pipes installed under banquet plates to allow his guests to be spritzed with rose scent between dinner courses

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If you add together all the numbers on a roulette wheel (1 to 36), the total is the mystical number 666, often associated with the Devil.

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The rickshaw was invented by the Reverend Jonathan Scobie, an American Baptist minister living in Yokohama, Japan. Rev. Scobie built the first model in 1869 in order to transport his invalid wife. Today it remains a common mode of transportation in the Orient.

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A "hairbreadth away" is 1/48 of an inch.

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In Europe, the act of crossing one's fingers has several meanings, most commonly "protection" or "good luck." In Paraguay, the gesture may be offensive.

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Banging your head against a wall can burn up to 150 calories per hour.

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Kittens can clock an amazing 31 mph at full speed and cover about 3 times their body length per leap.

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The nicknames of the famous marble lions that stand before the Beaux-Arts building of the New York Public Library have changed over the decades. First they were called Leo Astor and Leo Lenox, after Library founders John Jacob Astor and James Lenox. Later, they were known as Lord Astor and Lady Lenox. During the 1930s, Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia named them Patience and Fortitude – qualities he felt New Yorkers needed to survive the Depression. They are still so named. Patience still guards the south side of the Library's steps and Fortitude sits stoically to the north.

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One hundred years ago, visitors to Cave of the Winds in Colorado carried candles and lanterns along ghostly, dark halls that seemed to have no end. Today, cave enthusiasts can spend an hour or more with an authentically dressed 1800s guide, viewing truly spectacular rooms in the cave, using only the illumination from hand-held lanterns. One of the world’s oldest show caves, Cave of the Winds is filled with eerie nooks, crannies, tunnels, and chambers that once were believed to be the homes of gnomes and fairies.

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The potato was not known in Europe until the 17th century, when it was introduced by returning Spanish Conquistadors.

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A lion in the wild usually makes no more than 20 kills a year.

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Advice to collectors of battery-operated toys: Pull out the batteries before storing them. Otherwise, you'll have an oozing mess of battery acid and plastic in a few years, thanks to leaky batteries.

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Body language differs from one country to another. For instance, grasping one's ears is a sign of repentance or sincerity in India. A similar gesture in Brazil – holding the lobe of one's ear between the thumb and forefinger – signifies appreciation.

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The letters in the abbreviation e.g. stand for exempli gratia – a Latin term meaning "for example."

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Crocodile eggs which are incubated below 85º F (29.5º C) hatch into females, while those incubated above 95º F (35º C) hatch into males.

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Most of the 3,500 known species of cockroaches flee from danger, but one rolls up into a ball when threatened. The Florida roach sprays assailants with an irritating fluid.

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Species of coffee trees can grow as tall as 32 feet and their leaves can range in color from purple to yellow. Green is the predominant color, however.

[Carrie]

I really miss the good 'ol days when I could spend hours at a time posting useless shit on utc.

[Carrie]

I am really going to have to find a new time manageent to be able to do this again

[Carrie]

MM your catching me on post count in a hurry!

[Carrie]

I am bored

[Carrie]

I have everything I can do done for school right now.

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That I am...

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The plastic covering on the end of a shoelace is called an "aglet."

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A skunk will not bite and throw its scent at the same time.

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In the game of craps, the slang term "Little Phoebe" refers to a roll of 5 on the dice.

[Carrie]

just waiting on the rest of group B to turn in their drafts so that I can finish this and then turn it in to the professor by Midnight.

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A “kench” is a deep bin in which animal skins and fish are salted.

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On November 12, 1995, NBC’s Mad About You featured the acting debut of 62-year-old Yoko Ono, the woman who once was universally blamed for the breakup of the Beatles. The show’s star and co-creator Paul Reiser had been coaxing John Lennon’s widow to appear on the series for more than two years.

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The highest wind speed recorded at ground is at Mt. Washington, New Hampshire, on April 12, 1934. The winds were three times as fast as those in a hurricanes.

[Carrie]

hmm, I think I would take the spray over a bite any day

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Within the hawk, or birds of prey, family, there are 208 species — eagles, hawks, kites, and Old World vultures, which are found nearly worldwide.

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Strangely enough, more than one research group has found that cocoa powder contains a substance that may actually inhibit tooth decay.

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If you were looking for trivia, this would be the place; I think there are almost 300 messages that I've posted just today

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v

Scientists have estimated a fly ball will travel about seven feet further for every 1,000 feet of altitude. With an approximate elevation of 1,100 feet, Bank One Ballpark in Phoenix, Arizona is the second highest facility in the major baseball leagues; only Coors Field in Denver, Colorado is higher.

[Carrie]

wow

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RARE AIR is the immodest two-word statement on basketball great Michael Jordan's Illinois vanity license plate.

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The first drug that was offered as a water-soluble tablet, was aspirin in 1900.

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The average adult has between 40 and 50 billion fat cells.

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The American Bible Association has published almost a billion Bibles since it was founded in 1816.

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A 27-inch-high silver America's Cup holds no liquid – it is bottomless.

[Carrie]

hmm...I live in illinois...I have never seen that license plate.

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George Harrison, with "My Sweet Lord," was the first Beatle to have a Number 1 hit single following the group's breakup.

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In 1996, Americans bought only 12 inches of dental floss per capita.

[Carrie]

I like trivia :)

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I remember back when you were drunk here with BB, and the boards were burning with all your posts..

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The pyramids in Egypt contain enough stone and mortar to construct a wall 10 feet high and 5 feet wide running from New York City to Los Angeles.

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The Eiffel Tower is 984 feet tall.

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The city of Los Angeles is more than one-third the size of the entire state of Rhode Island.

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Nearly 43 percent of convicted criminals serving prison sentences in the U.S. are re-arrested within a year of being released from prison

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Actor Gene Hackman was a counterman, director Mike Nichols was a busboy, and comedienne/actress Lily Tomlin was a waitress: all three worked at different Howard Johnson's.

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Despite its popularity as a seasoning, basil has a controversial history. Basil was a sacred plant in ancient Hindu religion, and it was handled warily by European herbalists of the Middle Ages, who feared it as a scorpion breeder.

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After Sir Isaac Newton died, a sealed trunk was found among his belonging containing nearly 100,000 pages he had written on the subjects of alchemy, astrology, and the occult.

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In Elizabethan slang, the term "to die" meant to have an orgasm. This double entendre was often used by John Donne (The Prohibition, The Canonization), and by Shakespeare in King Lear.

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Veteran show-tune composer Alan Jay Lerner said this about contemporary music: "Youth has many glories, but judgement is not one of them, and no amount of electronic amplification can turn a belch into an aria."

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Mulan was the first feature length production which was created by Walt Disney Feature Animation, Florida, which is located at Disney/MGM Studios at Walt Disney World.

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Federal regulations specify that 90 percent of peanut butter has to be peanuts.

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If an object has no molecules, the concept of temperature is meaningless. That's why it's technically incorrect to speak of the "cold of outer space" — space has no temperature, and is known as a "temperature sink," meaning it drains heat out of things.

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The Colosseum received its name not for its size, but for a colossal statue of Nero that stood close by, placed there after the destruction of his palace.

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New Zealand has an estimated population of 3,500,000, which is nearly a million less than the much smaller U.S. state of Arizona, with a 1997 estimated population of 4,595,000.

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Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

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The theme played at the beginning of the "Green Hornet" series was the "Flight of the Bumble Bee" by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov.

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10,000th post



:hurt: :busy: :wetdream: :hmmm: :word: :ditto: :boobeye: :redflag: :oops: :burnt: :icon_roll :blue: :party: :fu: :game: :whip: :duck: :spudnikbo :mfight: :ezicon3: :smile: :bip: :creep: :saywha: :wallbangi :thumbsdow :hottopic: :clap1: :soapbox: :disgust: :comfort: :uvula: :pcheerlea :xmas3: :shy: :spudnikpa :fusign: :noball: :noface: :shrug: :shades: :banned: :wtevrdik: :yeahthat: :fart: :boobflash :spam: :winky: :pissedoff :batlashes :dance: :lick: :nono: :daman: :sonar: :dink: :stfu: :hail: :ballflip: :smootch: :indiff: :fu2: :rofl2: :yoda: :Insane: :oath: :tool: :popout: :bricks: :fryingpan :flush: :omg: :checkered :poop: :eek2: :bananadan :now: :blah: :moon: :goog: :funny: :spam2: :idea: :asshole: :jester: :ignore: :welcome: :UTCCow: :smug: :what: :lamer: :jaw-dropp :topicsuck :doh: :boobs: :sick: :hello: :shakinmon :crackhead :happybday :katroll: :screwy: :butthead: :cool: :imslow: :stick: :howdy: :cheers: :shithappe :biggrin: :type: :food-smil :xmas2: :juggle: :nana: :buddies: :dj: :cool1: :rofl3: :spongebob :foryou: :kisses: :lotd: :eek13: :whoa: :sad: :yellowfla :wasntme: :angry2: :sun: :donkeybal :censored: :staind: :hitit: :Newbie: :coold: :kittydanc :kittydanc :kittydanc :kittydanc :kittydanc :kittydanc :kittydanc

[BakedDon]

Yep, they are my favotie band. My favorite song is Killing in the Name. For my Birthday the band I went to see played it for me! I love it.

So the thing with OJ just seriously pisses me off. What nerve.
Did you see where our Military doctors are more or less killing our troops by the drug they are giving to stop bleeding? What shit...I don't care if they haven't died yet, that is most likely what they will die from!


I hear ya

and

agree

on all points specially
Killing in the name rocks

[BakedDon]

According to the Mayan "long count" linear calendar, the
end of the world would occur on June 5th, 2012.

I think the way I understood it, it is the end of the age of pisces and beginning a new age. Not really the end but a new beginning aquarias

[BakedDon]

Do you know the S e c r e t ?????


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8Qm9Gepnzc&mode=related&search=

[BakedDon]

Selective Service: Ready for a draft

CNN | November 21, 2006
Thom Patterson

Although Congress is unlikely to follow calls from a top Democrat to bring back the military draft, the United States does have a plan, if necessary, aimed at inducting millions of young men for service.

The Selective Service System, an agency independent of the Defense Department, says it's ready to respond quickly to any crisis that would threaten to overwhelm the current all-volunteer military.

"We're the fire department," said spokesman Pat Schuback at the service headquarters in Arlington, Virginia.

"We're prepared to do the mission with whatever time period we're asked to do it in. Our current plan is 193 days and that was based on manpower analysis."

With an active list of more than 15 million names, Schuback said an estimated 93 percent of all men in the United States between 18 and 26 have registered for the Selective Service, as required by law.

Chris Baker, 20, of Decatur, Georgia, said he wouldn't support a draft under any circumstances.

"I don't believe it's right to send people who don't really want to go fight for the country," Baker said. "I probably wouldn't go, but I know that'd I have to go to jail for that. That's probably what I would do -- sit in jail."

But 25-year-old Donnie Deerman of West Blocton, Alabama, said he would feel obligated to participate in a military draft.

"I'd have to do it. My dad did two tours of duty for Vietnam and for this country," Deerman said. "I wouldn't want to leave my kids behind, but I wouldn't argue about it."

While U.S. commanders insist sending more U.S. troops is not the answer in Iraq, they concede they really couldn't maintain a much bigger force than the 150,000 deployed there now because the U.S. military is just too small.

Rep. Charles Rangel of New York, the Democrat who likely will head the powerful House Ways and Means Committee in the next congressional session, said Sunday on CBS's "Face the Nation" he plans to propose a new military draft next year.

But virtually no one expects the bill to have any chance of passage, and incoming Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Monday the Democratic Party's House leadership would not support Rangel's proposal. (Full story)

CNN senior political analyst Bill Schneider said every poll he's seen in the past year or two indicates Americans young and old don't want to return to the draft.

"And those who are calling for a draft, of course, know that it's unpopular," Schneider said. "They believe it may be the fastest way to end the war, and to keep the United States out of future wars."

Military experts say it's highly doubtful a military draft would ever again be green-lighted because the volunteer system works.

They also say any major attack against the United States would certainly result in a surge of additional volunteers that would make a draft unnecessary.

They point to the volunteer response following the December 7, 1941, Japanese attack on the military complex at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, as an example, along with the surge in volunteers after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

Retired Gen. James "Spider" Marks, a decorated 33-year veteran and CNN military analyst, doesn't see any likely scenario that would require the Pentagon to ask for a draft.

But, he said, "it's never a discussion topic that's off the table for long-term planning."

Instead of a draft, Marks said, the armed forces should be more aggressive about recruiting volunteers, "to increase the top line of the military."

If needed, the U.S. Selective Service System says it's ready to pull the trigger on a new draft. According to the Selective Service, here's how a draft would happen:

A crisis occurs that overwhelms the current all-volunteer military, forcing Congress and the president to authorize a draft system.

Selective Service starts a lottery, based on birth dates, beginning with men age 20.

Those who are assigned low lottery numbers are "ordered to report for a physical, mental, and moral evaluation at a Military Entrance Processing Station to determine whether they are fit for military service," according to the Selective Service's Web site.

They have 10 days to claim "exemption, postponement, or deferment," that would excuse them from service.

Compared to the Vietnam War era, any future draft would allow "fewer reasons to excuse a man from service," according to the Selective Service.

Some of the rule changes include shorter postponements due to student deferments. Many draft eligible men during the Vietnam era avoided military service by attending college.

The previous active draft was established in 1940 before World War II and suspended after it ended. The draft was resumed in 1948 and continued until 1973, when the military converted to an all-volunteer force.

The requirement that all men between 18 and 26 register with the draft was suspended in 1975 and reinstated five years later in response to the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.

[BakedDon]

Putin: Once A KGB Thug, Always A KGB Thug
Crude assassinations, espionage and power grabs are Kremlin calling card,

Steve Watson
Infowars.net
Tuesday, November 21, 2006

It may not be called the Soviet Union anymore, however its leadership is infested with old school Russian thugs and KGB criminals. As the London Guardian reports, the poisoning of former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko in a London restaurant is the latest in a line of attacks on the Kremlin's opponents abroad. The "defectors" who have fled the criminality and now speak out against the pantomime of Russian democracy in the name of freedom and human rights are failing to be given safe haven by the West as our governments cozy up to Vladimir Putin's tyrannical regime.

Litvinenko, an ex FSB (post Soviet KGB) operative, has seemingly been subjected to three times the fatal dose of thallium, a tasteless, odourless killer used in rat poison until, in the 1970s. It is unclear whether he will survive.

his friends and ex colleagues, most probably fearing they are next, have directly blamed the Russian government for the poisoning. They say Russia wanted to stop Litvinenko investigating last month's assassination of the campaigning journalist Anna Politkovskaya, whom he was also friends with. They believe the Kremlin was also to blame for Politkovskaya being shot outside her Moscow apartment.

During a recent debate at the Frontline club , a private members' club for foreign correspondents in London, on the murder of Anna Politkovskya, Mr Litvenenko was filmed standing up from the audience and saying: "I can directly answer you - it is President Putin of the Russian federation who has killed her". He goes on to make several more allegations against both Mr Putin and the Kremlin.......

http://infowars.net/articles/november2006/211106KGB.htm

[BakedDon]

That Draft Just Won't Blow Away
Despite Democratic disinterest, plans are carefully laid for re-introduction of conscription absent one catalyzing event

Paul Joseph Watson
Prison Planet
Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Charles Rangel's bill to re-introduce the draft has few supporters but his insistent efforts to keep this issue in the body politic is allied to an underlying framework that provides for a rapid and extensive implementation of conscription, be it on the continent or within the 4th Reich of America in the form of Homeland Security Gestapo squads.

Though influential Democrats like Nancy Pelosi have publicly shot down any chance of the draft returning to America, everything is in place to activate it, absent a nuclear or biological attack on a U.S. city or geopolitical turmoil.

"The Selective Service System, an agency independent of the Defense Department, says it's ready to respond quickly to any crisis that would threaten to overwhelm the current all-volunteer military," reports CNN, noting that the agency would be able to fully implement the draft in under a time period of seven months.

It is widely recognized that a return to the draft is wildly unpopular amongst both young and old alike, so why do people like Rangel and others across the political spectrum insist on its constant re-introduction? Are they simply laying the groundwork for a cataclysmic event that will soon arrive to justify it?

Legitimate fears that a sudden escalation of a crisis involving a North Korean attack on South Korea would lead to a draft are given credence by a military directive known as OPLAN 5027, under the jurisdiction of the ROK-U.S. Combined Forces Command, which mandates the dispatch of 690,000 troops to aid South Korea in the event of an attack.

Where are they going to get 690,000 troops from when there are barely enough troops to police Iraq and many are returning on second and third tours of duty?

While many are focused on the characteristics of any future draft involving conscripts being sent to the Middle East or Asia to die for the new world order, it seems eminently more likely that the vast majority of draftees, should such an event come to pass, would be forced to serve under domestic Homeland Security brownshirt style roles.

After 9/11, children's summer camps in Miami and other areas began to shift into acting as recruiting and training compounds for Homeland Security. 11th and 12th graders are now being drilled in methods of how to track down fugitives, run tattle-tale squads and confiscate guns in America.



Billed as one of the nation's first "homeland security training summer camps for teenagers," a program called Secure Corps in Bucks County is drilling 92 young men and women in essential skills for this new, uncertain era," reported the Miami Herald.

"And those skills include math: "If I have 40 acres of forest," runs a typical problem, "how many search dogs will I need to find a fugitive?"

An earlier incarnation of Rangel's draft bill, the Universal National Service Act of 2003, called for the duty of "all young persons in the United States, including women, perform a period of military service or a period of civilian service in furtherance of the national defense and homeland security, and for other purposes."

Mandatory domestic service has influential cheerleaders like Clinton's former Secretary of Defense William Cohen. The Republican recently told Fox News, "I think there should be a commitment to universal service. I think that only a few people are really committed to this war against terrorism and called. I think the American people have to be - understand - that we're all in this together. We ought to have a real call to national service to commit ourselves to some form of public service," adding that it is necessary to put the country on a "war footing."

Substantial planks of the Homeland Security domestic spying corp are already in place. Highway Watch, which has been funded by Homeland Security since 2002, now boasts tens of thousands of members. The program trains truck drivers to be suspicious of everything, where all unusual activity is potentially terrorism, including vehicles with tarps over the rear, people with backpacks, and couples who have an argument.

Port Watch, River Watch and Transit Watch are similar programs bankrolled by Homeland Security that train American citizens to spy on each other in the name of the war on terror.

TIPS, the domestic spying program which was supposedly nixed by Congress, would have recruited one in twenty-four Americans as domestic informants, a higher percentage than was used by the Stasi in East Germany. Government funding was temporarily cut until the heat was off but private funding continues and the same program was introduced under a number of sub-divisions including AmeriCorps and SecureCorps.

Whether the constant re-introduction of draft legislation is simply a trial balloon or an organized agenda to prepare a draft in response to a future false-flag attack, it needs to be shot down now. We refuse to be herded like cattle into harms way to serve the empire for global domination and we also will not co-operate if there is an attempt to deputize U.S. citizens to police other citizens under the banner of Homeland Security. At least 25% of refusniks will do the same and the state will have to undertake the gargantuan task of rounding us all up for the camps - and that's where the fun really begins.

[BakedDon]

Coincidence? Election over, Gas Prices Up Again
(via www.salon.com)

If you were a little suspicious of the way in which gasoline prices just happened to dive just before this month's midterm elections, this bit of news won't exactly put your mind at ease: After dropping 84 cents between Aug. 11 and Nov. 3, gas prices are up five cents in the first Lundberg Survey released after the Nov. 7 election

[BakedDon]

Judge Rejects Request for NSA Wiretapping Documents
The NSA is not required to release details about its secret wiretapping program, a federal judge ruled Monday, rejecting the request from a liberal advocacy group that had sued to obtain records under the Freedom of Information Act. The group sought to find out how many wiretaps were approved and who reviewed the program

[BakedDon]

Italy removes top intelligence chiefs amid CIA scandal

The Italian government has replaced the heads of the country's embattled secret services, including one at the center of allegations of involvement in a CIA kidnap of a terrorism suspect. The shakeup came amid talk of a possible indictment and happened just days before the release of a parliamentary report widely expected to be critical

[BakedDon]

Victory in Iraq impossible, says Kissinger

Henry Kissinger, the former US secretary of state who has advised the Bush administration on the war in Iraq, on Sunday said he no longer believed a military victory was possible in the conflict

[BakedDon]

Commentary: Town makes it illegal to fly a foreign flag
POSTED: 3:58 p.m. EST, November 20, 2006
By Ruben Navarrette Jr.
Special to CNN
Adjust font size:

SAN DIEGO, California (CNN) -- This is where we've arrived in this country: You have the constitutional right to burn an American flag, but you can get into trouble for simply flying a foreign one.

At least you can in the 30,000-person town of Pahrump, Nevada, which is close to Las Vegas and even closer to stepping over the line with an idiotic, intolerant and insulting ban on foreign (read: Mexican) flags. The town council voted last week, 3-2, to approve an ordinance that makes it illegal to display a foreign flag -- unless an American flag is flown above it. Scofflaws face a $50 fine and 30 hours of community service.

Pahrump resident Michael Miraglia proposed the ban because, he said, he got upset when he saw immigrant activists marching through U.S. cities last spring, waving Mexican flags. Mr. Miraglia told USA Today that he was especially miffed that "we had Mexican restaurants closed that day."

So that's what started all this -- the fact that some guy couldn't get his burrito fix. It's our cultural schizophrenia. Americans love Mexican food, even if they don't always love Mexicans. They never ask themselves: If they succeed in getting rid of all the Mexicans -- as some would, no doubt, like to do -- who's going to make the food?

For the record, I don't think people should wave flags of countries they left behind or celebrate one country while demanding rights from another. But just because you'd like to see a given outcome -- i.e., immigrants putting foreign flags in mothballs -- doesn't mean you should use the coercive power of government to bring it about. The end does not justify the means.

Besides, the spectacle with the Mexican flags was no different than what happened a few weeks later when American Jews marched in Los Angeles and New York, waiving the Israeli flag to show support for Israel in its war against Hezbollah. About that, there were few complaints.

What gives someone the right to wave a foreign flag anyway? Answer: The First Amendment. Bans like the one in Pahrump are almost certainly unlawful and unconstitutional, leaving one to wonder, about Mr. Miraglia and the Pahrump Town Council, what part of illegal don't they understand?

What I don't understand is how immigration restrictionists can still insist, with a straight face, that the immigration debate and its offshoots haven't become anti-Mexican. When people brush aside distinctions of legal versus illegal immigrants and start banning the Mexican flag, what else do you call it?

As my friends in Texas say, I may have been born at night -- but I wasn't born last night.

At moments like this, I barely recognize my own country. Americans confronted slavery, the Great Depression, the Third Reich, and racial injustice here at home. Now some of us tremble at the sight of a piece of cloth. How sad. We're a bigger people than that. Even if some of us, now and then, tend to forget it.

[BakedDon]

Fox Cancels O.J. 'If I Did It' Book, TV Special

News Corp., the parent company of book publisher HarperCollins and the FOX network, has canceled publication of the O.J. Simpson book and television special "If I Did It."

[BakedDon]

Screenwriter Finds Evidence Implicating 3 CIA Agents In RFK Assassination

Did the CIA kill Bobby Kennedy?


In 1968, Robert Kennedy seemed likely to follow his brother, John, into the White House. Then, on June 6, he was assassinated - apparently by a lone gunman. But Shane O'Sullivan says he has evidence implicating three CIA agents in the murder

Monday November 20, 2006
The Guardian


At first, it seems an open-and-shut case. On June 5 1968, Robert Kennedy wins the California Democratic primary and is set to challenge Richard Nixon for the White House. After midnight, he finishes his victory speech at the Ambassador hotel in Los Angeles and is shaking hands with kitchen staff in a crowded pantry when 24-year-old Palestinian Sirhan Sirhan steps down from a tray-stacker with a "sick, villainous smile" on his face and starts firing at Kennedy with an eight-shot revolver.

Article continues

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As Kennedy lies dying on the pantry floor, Sirhan is arrested as the lone assassin. He carries the motive in his shirt-pocket (a clipping about Kennedy's plans to sell bombers to Israel) and notebooks at his house seem to incriminate him. But the autopsy report suggests Sirhan could not have fired the shots that killed Kennedy. Witnesses place Sirhan's gun several feet in front of Kennedy, but the fatal bullet is fired from one inch behind. And more bullet-holes are found in the pantry than Sirhan's gun can hold, suggesting a second gunman is involved. Sirhan's notebooks show a bizarre series of "automatic writing" - "RFK must die RFK must be killed - Robert F Kennedy must be assassinated before 5 June 68" - and even under hypnosis, he has never been able to remember shooting Kennedy. He recalls "being led into a dark place by a girl who wanted coffee", then being choked by an angry mob. Defence psychiatrists conclude he was in a trance at the time of the shooting and leading psychiatrists suggest he may have be a hypnotically programmed assassin.
Three years ago, I started writing a screenplay about the assassination of Robert Kennedy, caught up in a strange tale of second guns and "Manchurian candidates" (as the movie termed brainwashed assassins). As I researched the case, I uncovered new video and photographic evidence suggesting that three senior CIA operatives were behind the killing. I did not buy the official ending that Sirhan acted alone, and started dipping into the nether-world of "assassination research", crossing paths with David Sanchez Morales, a fearsome Yaqui Indian.

Morales was a legendary figure in CIA covert operations. According to close associate Tom Clines, if you saw Morales walking down the street in a Latin American capital, you knew a coup was about to happen. When the subject of the Kennedys came up in a late-night session with friends in 1973, Morales launched into a tirade that finished: "I was in Dallas when we got the son of a bitch and I was in Los Angeles when we got the little bastard." From this line grew my odyssey into the spook world of the 60s and the secrets behind the death of Bobby Kennedy.

Working from a Cuban photograph of Morales from 1959, I viewed news coverage of the assassination to see if I could spot the man the Cubans called El Gordo - The Fat One. Fifteen minutes in, there he was, standing at the back of the ballroom, in the moments between the end of Kennedy's speech and the shooting. Thirty minutes later, there he was again, casually floating around the darkened ballroom while an associate with a pencil moustache took notes.

The source of early research on Morales was Bradley Ayers, a retired US army captain who had been seconded to JM-Wave, the CIA's Miami base in 1963, to work closely with chief of operations Morales on training Cuban exiles to run sabotage raids on Castro. I tracked Ayers down to a small town in Wisconsin and emailed him stills of Morales and another guy I found suspicious - a man who is pictured entering the ballroom from the direction of the pantry moments after the shooting, clutching a small container to his body, and being waved towards an exit by a Latin associate.

Ayers' response was instant. He was 95% sure that the first figure was Morales and equally sure that the other man was Gordon Campbell, who worked alongside Morales at JM-Wave in 1963 and was Ayers' case officer shortly before the JFK assassination.

I put my script aside and flew to the US to interview key witnesses for a documentary on the unfolding story. In person, Ayers positively identified Morales and Campbell and introduced me to David Rabern, a freelance operative who was part of the Bay of Pigs invasion force in 1961 and was at the Ambassador hotel that night. He did not know Morales and Campbell by name but saw them talking to each other out in the lobby before the shooting and assumed they were Kennedy's security people. He also saw Campbell around police stations three or four times in the year before Robert Kennedy was shot.

This was odd. The CIA had no domestic jurisdiction and Morales was stationed in Laos in 1968. With no secret service protection for presidential candidates in those days, Kennedy was guarded by unarmed Olympic decathlete champion Rafer Johnson and football tackler Rosey Grier - no match for an expert assassination team.

Trawling through microfilm of the police investigation, I found further photographs of Campbell with a third figure, standing centre-stage in the Ambassador hotel hours before the shooting. He looked Greek, and I suspected he might be George Joannides, chief of psychological warfare operations at JM-Wave. Joannides was called out of retirement in 1978 to act as the CIA liaison to the House Select Committee on Assassinations (HSCA) investigating the death of John F Kennedy.

Ed Lopez, now a respected lawyer at Cornell University, came into close contact with Joann-des when he was a young law student working for the committee. We visit him and show him the photograph and he is 99% sure it is Joannides. When I tell him where it was taken, he is not surprised: "If these guys decided you were bad, they acted on it.

We move to Washington to meet Wayne Smith, a state department official for 25 years who knew Morales well at the US embassy in Havana in 1959-60. When we show him the video in the ballroom, his response is instant: "That's him, that's Morales." He remembers Morales at a cocktail party in Buenos Aires in 1975, saying Kennedy got what was coming to him. Is there a benign explanation for his presence? For Kennedy's security, maybe? Smith laughs. Morales is the last person you would want to protect Bobby Kennedy, he says. He hated the Kennedys, blaming their lack of air support for the failed Bay of Pigs invasion in 1961.

We meet Clines in a hotel room near CIA headquarters. He does not want to go on camera and brings a friend, which is a little unnerving. Clines remembers "Dave" fondly. The guy in the video looks like Morales but it is not him, he says: "This guy is fatter and Morales walked with more of a slouch and his tie down." To me, the guy in the video does walk with a slouch and his tie is down.

Clines says he knew Joannides and Campbell and it is not them either, but he fondly remembers Ayers bringing snakes into JM-Wave to scare the secretaries and seems disturbed at Smith's identification of Morales. He does not discourage our investigation and suggests others who might be able to help. A seasoned journalist cautions that he would expect Clines "to blow smoke", and yet it seems his honest opinion.

As we leave Los Angeles, I tell the immigration officer that I am doing a story on Bobby Kennedy. She has seen the advertisements for the new Emilio Estevez movie about the assassination, Bobby. "Who do you think did it? I think it was the Mob," she says before I can answer.

"I definitely think it was more than one man," I say, discreetly.

Morales died of a heart attack in 1978, weeks before he was to be called before the HSCA. Joannides died in 1990. Campbell may still be out there somewhere, in his early 80s. Given the positive identifications we have gathered on these three, the CIA and the Los Angeles Police Department need to explain what they were doing there. Lopez believes the CIA should call in and interview everybody who knew them, disclose whether they were on a CIA operation and, if not, why they were there that night.

Today would have been Robert Kennedy's 81st birthday. The world is crying out for a compassionate leader like him. If dark forces were behind his elimination, it needs to be investigated

· Shane O'Sullivan's investigation will be shown tonight on Newsnight, BBC2, 10.30pm.

[BakedDon]

Nothing but Crooks and Liars

http://www.crooksandliars.com/2006/11/18/the-daily-show-on-troop-levels-and-glenn-beck/

[mathmission]

Im back for another day of posting. Not sure that I'm going to do something similar to yesterday, but might as well get a few in here and there, right?

[riscy]

Congrats on 10,000 MM! Sorry I missed it.

[mathmission]

Congrats on 10,000 MM! Sorry I missed it.
Oh that's ok!

[mathmission]

TODAY'S MYSTERY QUOTE

QUOTE: "Traditions are the guideposts driven deep in our
subconscious minds. The most powerful ones are those we
can't even describe and aren't even aware of."

HINT: (born 11 April 1941 in Newton, Massachusetts) is an
American journalist. She was awarded the Pulitzer prize
for Distinguished Commentary in 1980.

[mathmission]

The heaviest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds.

[mathmission]

The male turkey is called a tom, and the female turkey
is called a hen.

[mathmission]

Turkeys’ heads change colors when they become excited.

[mathmission]

A 16 week old turkey is called a fryer. A five to seven
month old turkey is called a young roaster and a yearling
is a year old. Any turkey 15 months or older is called ma-
ture.

[mathmission]

Since 1947, the National Turkey Federation has presented
a live turkey and two dressed turkeys to the President.
The President does not eat the live turkey. He "pardons"
it and allows it to live out its days on a historical farm.

[mathmission]

The American Indians hunted wild turkey for its sweet,
juicy meat as early as 1000 A.D. Turkey feathers were
used to stabilize arrows and adorn ceremonial dress, and
the spurs on the legs of wild tom turkeys were used as
projectiles on arrowheads.

[mathmission]

QUOTE: "Traditions are the guideposts driven deep in our
subconscious minds. The most powerful ones are those we
can't even describe and aren't even aware of."

ANSWER: Ellen Goodman

[mathmission]

Well, I think that's all the trivia I can handle for today

[Carrie]

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

[Carrie]

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

[Carrie]

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

[Carrie]

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

[Carrie]

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

[Carrie]

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

[Carrie]

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

[Carrie]

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

[Carrie]

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

[Carrie]

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Martha said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard, "then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

[Carrie]

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

[Carrie]

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

[Carrie]

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

[Carrie]

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"

[Carrie]

The way I see it, kids need exercise more than they need ice cream. So when I worked as an ice cream man, driving an ice cream truck, I would try to drive fast enough that the kid couldn't catch me, but not so fast that he'd give up right away. Some kids will chase you for eight or nine blocks.

[Carrie]

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

[Carrie]

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

[Carrie]

Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

[Carrie]

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

[Carrie]

There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.

[Carrie]

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?

[Carrie]

When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out that he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.

[Carrie]

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist: "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.

[Carrie]

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

[Carrie]

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

[Carrie]

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

[Carrie]

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

[Carrie]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver."

[Carrie]

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

[Carrie]

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

[Carrie]

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

[Carrie]

Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."

[Carrie]

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

[Carrie]

Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can? I thought I heard that somewhere.

[Carrie]

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.

[Carrie]

Here's a good gag: if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches, just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

[Carrie]

Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.

[Carrie]

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

[Carrie]

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about pillows? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

[Carrie]

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.

[Carrie]

I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.

[Carrie]

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

[Carrie]

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

[Carrie]

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

[Carrie]

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.

[Carrie]

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

[Carrie]

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

[Carrie]

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

[Carrie]

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

[Carrie]

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.

[Carrie]

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

[Carrie]

Martha talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the butt.

[Carrie]

I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

[Carrie]

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

[mathmission]

Oh Carrie!

[Carrie]

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

[mathmission]

Some of these are really good.

[Carrie]

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

[mathmission]

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
HA

[Carrie]

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

[Carrie]

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

[Carrie]

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?

[Carrie]

One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"

[Carrie]

It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!

[Carrie]

Hey MM-

Yeah I know Jack handy CRACKS ME UP!

[Carrie]

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

[Carrie]

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

[Carrie]

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

[Carrie]

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

[Carrie]

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

[Carrie]

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

[Carrie]

Instead of a seeing eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!